Posts Tagged jmag
Everything’s Better with RoboCop
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the single greatest premise for a feature I’ve ever snuck into triple j magazine. Inspired by the recent attempts to build a statue of RoboCop in Detroit, I shared a few examples of my long-held theory that every single film would be better if RoboCop was in it. My favourite example that didn’t make it, suggested by a friend, was an all-too-necessary cyborg upgrade to Pride and Prejudice. (“He could tell exactly how much there was of each! Like, 75.28% Pride, 24.72% Prejudice!”) Feel free to add your own in the comments. You know you want to.

CASABLANCA
During World War II, Rick (Humphrey Bogart) finds it increasingly difficult to stay neutral as the enemy encroaches on his prized nightclub. Luckily, RoboCop arrives and kills all the Nazis with his Auto-9 pistol. Why does Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) barely appear in the film? Because RoboCop has no time for love. Instead, he travels to Germany to murder Hitler in the sequel, Casablanca 2: Nothing Personal.
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Teenage genius and social misfit Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) invents facebook, potentially changing social interactions forever – but can he ever win at romance? He strikes a deal with a malfunctioning RoboCop, offering to repair his programming in return for some logical lessons in respecting women. Unknown to Zuckerberg, RoboCop downloads the entire Havard database and soon hundreds of mysteriously bruised fratboys turn themselves in to police.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB
It’s obvious that the Principal (Paul Gleason) cannot control this small group of unruly teenagers for even one day of detention. The city sends RoboCop to guarantee their punishment is enforced. There is no dancing, no kissing, no sharing of heartfelt stories. Boring? Maybe. But RoboCop makes damn sure the criminal, the jock, the princess, and the basket case don’t leave the poor nerd to write the entire essay at the end of the movie.
127 HOURS
Pinned in a ravine by a boulder, Aron Ralston (James Franco) doesn’t struggle for days before deciding that the only way he’ll survive is to sever his own arm with a blunt knife. No, now all that happens in the first five minutes. The rest of the film shows how he’s given a cybernetic arm to become RoboCop’s wise-cracking, boulder-phobic partner in the war against crime.
PREDATOR
After Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his men are spooked by the invisible alien that’s hunting them, firing aimlessly into the jungle, RoboCop appears. He’s dragging the dead Predator behind him. Dutch says: “This is now the most awesome film ever, isn’t it?” and RoboCop says “Affirmative”. Then they arm wrestle while power ballads play in the background. The end.
This article first appeared in triple j magazine #49.
Julia’s Eyes: jmag review
Here’s my quick review of new Spanish horror Julia’s Eyes from the current issue of triple j magazine. I’ve decided I like it even more since I wrote this. A few of the setpieces are still rattling around in my head, and it’s tone reminded me a little of The Haunting…
JULIA’S EYES
Director: Guillem Morales
Starring: Belén Rueda, Lluís Homar
Country: Spain
I’m wary when I see a filmmaker “presenting” another’s film. I figure it usually just means trading a famous name on the poster for a giant-sized cheque. So far, though, Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy) has managed to get two great Spanish horror films a wider release. First there was the excellent ghost story The Orphanage, and now comes Julia’s Eyes.
Belén Rueda plays twins: one who’s killed in mysterious (and, uh, fairly terrifying) circumstances, and her sister who becomes obsessed with uncovering what happened. Both suffer from degenerative blindness that gets worse with fear-induced stress. Julia’s Eyes isn’t remotely concerned with its mystery making sense. It’s bloody fantastic, though, at setting up smart, scary setpieces. Is there someone in the house? Why can’t I see his face? Some of its stylistic gimmicks would’ve failed in lesser hands, but here they’re used to make you feel like you’re going mad.
Julia’s Eyes isn’t as tight as The Orphanage, but they’re both great, old-school rollercoasters, genuinely scary and genuinely fun.
Other reviews this month: Get Low in cinemas; Howl and Unstoppable on DVD.
Issue #51 on sale now.
I Love You Phillip Morris: jmag review
Here’s my quick triple j magazine review of I Love You Phillip Morris, finally stumbling into Australian theatres after an embarrassingly long wait. I wish I could say I found it worth waiting for; the true story it’s based on is certainly a fascinating one.
I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS
Directors: Glenn Ficarra & John Requa
Starring: Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor, Leslie Mann
Country: USA
FYI: I Love You Phillip Morris isn’t viral marketing for cigarettes.
It’s a comedy featuring major stars that’s taken two years to get a limited Australian release. Why? Maybe because it’s about a gay romance. I wanted to fall in love with this movie on principle – but despite being fast and fun, it’s missing something fundamental.
Steven Russell (Jim Carey) is a con man who’s used to living lies. When he ends up in jail for insurance fraud – because “being gay is really expensive!” – he meets the softly-spoken Phillip Morris (Ewan Macgregor). They fall in love, and Steve promises that they’ll never be apart again.
In Phillip Morris, Jim Carey acts like he’s starring in a glib, old-fashioned farce. (Like Lisa Simpson says: “He can make you laugh with no more than a frantic flailing of his limbs!”) Unfortunately, Ewan McGregor plays his role as a real human being. Their two styles completely fail to mesh, and their romance seems like it’s between different cinematic species.
Other reviews this month: Biutiful and Brighton Rock in cinemas; Megamind, Unthinkable, and Doors doco When You’re Strange on DVD.
Issue #49 on sale now.

